Most of you know by now that my summer took a slight turn and I ended up back in Ohio. After spending one week in Canada learning,growing,laughing,and praying I got a call saying that due to something out of our control I was no longer needed as a therapeutic respite nanny. Instantly I understood and had peace that this was the right decision even though it sent a sharp jab into my heart and if I’m being real honest,my pride. The next two days were filled with a little bit of a pity party ( which fit right in with what the RAD that was in the house was already doing) and trying to soak up every last moment of learning and time with Miss Karen.
When I arrived home yesterday I felt so restless. My apartment was empty because my roommate recently moved out and the bottom of the house was starkly quite due to Harold and Nancy being in Africa. I spent most of my evening trying to convince myself that I wasn’t going to rot on the couch all summer and that God did have a plan. You see, it’s so easy to say that you know but it’s hard to believe when things don’t go your way. I searched for jobs or fun classes to take. Coming up empty handed I started looking for a Mandarin teacher that I knew I wouldn’t find. I went to bed feeling like a lazy bum. Never mind the fact that I’m not lazy and I have a job but I felt like my opportunity to go to China was over,summer boredom was around the corner,and I didn’t understand why my answer to prayer was feeling like no more than an Indian gift from God. So I laid in bed praying I wouldn’t wake up too early because I didn’t have anything to fill my time.
Let’s rewind a bit and talk about Canada and Miss Karen. I believe when God stitched together this part of His story in my life, He knew Karen and I would hit it off. Sloths,rubber ducks,and Jesus are just a few of the things we have in common. Conversation was effortless and her go with the flow teaching style was perfect for my personality. She cooked,I did the dishes,and we both laughed so much that I’m sure her neighbors thought we had gone mad! Being in Canada was stretching and stressful for sure but it was perfect and enjoyable as well. It’s nothing like I imagined and everything that was needed to confirm that God has a work for me and in order to do it I HAVE to stop being so afraid of new pop ups. I must be willing to roll within he punches ( or plates being thrown). I was the recipient of impeccable hospitality not only in Karen’s home but also in her parents home as well. I pray a blessing on both homes that they would seek truth in every season of life and to allow the hospitality that they give be given in Jesus’s name.
Ok back to real time:
While I was food prepping I decided to listen to a VOM podcast because the quiet in the house was really starting to get to me. What I didn’t know was that I was avoiding talking to God. Well the first line of the podcast was something like “Without a passport you aren’t going anywhere. Once you have one go to the Lord and say “Here I am Lord send me.” Right there my heart felt the feeling you just can’t describe. I was busy cooking so I ignored it. The podcast went on to share some good information that I enjoyed listening to. Cooking was completed and I went to make my plate and my appetite was gone! If you know me then you know that doesn’t happen often. There was that heart feeling again. “Ugh I’ve got to pray.” That was my real thought as sad as it is to admit. I covered my head and I grabbed my passport and my Bible. Honestly I didn’t really know what to say. I started by praying for others because that’s easy. Then words started flowing and my heart opened up to my Father. If you haven’t experienced the comfort of going to Father God then the only real way to translate it into your understanding is it’s like when your earth dad tells you he is proud of you for something of value vs. the “oh you did a good job” compliment given vainly sometimes. The look in his eyes is one of respect and love. The hug that follows is of utter acceptance and comfort of being in your daddy’s arms. That is how this type of praying feels and this was no different. My Heavenly Father understood I was wrestling with a plethora of emotions and had no real reason to feel them. He understood the joy I felt in Canada learning about brokenness but also having a new friend. He just “got it”. I have no clue why I was surprised. It’s not like don’t communicate with Him everyday. It’s not like I’m a lost soul aimlessly going through life without a cause. Yet there I sat on my blue couch clasping my Bible and passport being hugged by my Father.
I shared with Karen the thought about praying over my passport it wasn’t something I ever considered. Which is ridiculous that I didn’t. After all I am claiming to be a pilgrim and stranger following after Jesus. Karen said something like “These kids are not ours. They are God’s children and what is to happen happens. We aren’t in control. That’s how all of life is. “It’s a God thing.” I got to thinking that’s right. Likewise me going to China is in God’s hands. I have no idea why mid plan God dropped Germany in my lap and wiped away was the financial opportunity to go to China. That was something I had to give to God. In the last two days I’ve been forcing myself to be happy over going to Germany to be with my brother and sister in Christ. I knew i was supposed feel happy yet I was grieving China. Doesn’t my brother and sister deserve better than a half hearted communion with someone that only signed up if her other plans could happen too? Yes,they do! They are the bride of Christ and I will be overjoyed to be in their company. After all maybe God doesn’t call us to be in one location. Perhaps our calling is to be where the need is.
Lord my passport is yours. I will only go where you pave my path to go. If that’s my brothers and sisters in Christ that need fellowship, then I’ll go bring companionship to them in your name . If it’s the lost then I’ll go find them for you so your name will be proclaimed. If it’s the sick then I’ll heal them in your name. If it’s the hungry I’ll provide food for them in your name. Wherever you send I will go…even you only send me to my blue couch in Ohio with my Bible and passport in my hand. I’ll pray in your name.
P.S. In this blog post I decided not to share about RAD. Please note I wasn’t taking this opportunity as a means to an end. I very much feel called to work with children and families dealing with RAD. I hope that doesn’t get lost in this post.