I want to share something that Jesus showed me that I feel a little protective of. I simply typed. It’s unedited. In sharing this I’m not implying that the road ahead is going to be easy. I’m very much grieving and hurting. However the healing has so much more power than the grief now!
I always thought it was a little “unique” that when I saw Heaven in my mind it was from a child’s view. The vision I’ve had has always been me as a child playing with the other children who have died. There is a silver swing set with ivy growing on it. Off in the distance are all of the adults around a table feasting.
I’ve also thought it to be odd that I had a deep sense of wanting others to be saved. Even as a child before I had become a Christian, I would try to evangelize my friends. There was a deep desire to belong to Jesus and go to church. For years I would dream of being a “church person”.
Recently in weekly therapy I was asked about my testimony. I found that I couldn’t articulate it as I once had been able to. I found myself growing angry and embarrassed as the details swirled into a messy concoction of “WAIT A SECOND! AM I EVEN SAVED?”
Then I went to a different type of counseling and for the very first time I got to SPEAK my story in it’s entirety from start to finish. Not only were the beautiful parts shared but the ugly,the sin,the heartbreak,the beautiful,the redemption,and so much more! For the first time in my 31 years of living I was able to be myself and I was ACCEPTED. I was completely BELIEVED and SAW in a way no one has ever validated me before. It was a huge breakthrough for me. I in a physical,spiritual,and emotional way broke right in that tiny office with a friend and a complete stranger my my side.My body felt all at the same time both the agony of suffering and the freedom of not having to carry this weight alone anymore. I thought this was the most extreme experience I could possibly go though…
Having the bondage broken of being raped at age 3 and forced by threat of death to preform sex acts at age 15 was in fact powerful. I do not want to gloss over this fact. I simply don’t have words enough to convey what it was to hear the words(I can’t remember word for word) “Nicci, I believe you. You didn’t want what you were forced to do. He hurt you. He took something from you.”
My 15 year old self had to show up to youth group the next evening after being violated. Her friends having heard part of the story from the guy wouldn’t stop talking about it. They thought it was my fault…it wasn’t. When I say the bondage that has been locked in those secrets, was released..this isn’t something I’m saying without great feeling of resurrection of Christ’s power over my life. But. The story doesn’t end there!
Jesus in a prayer showed me that little 3 year old Nicci died when she was raped. Not at all because she was bad or did something wrong did she enter into her eternal safety. He took her away to protect her. He loved her so much! He delights in her/me and still loves me. Nothing can or will separate us! Her body laid on the bed and went on with life but her spirit was forever saved and safe in her home in heaven. He showed me the play set,the children who had also died,he showed me His love for me and His church, and everything I needed to see to know He did this to protect me. I was His and was always going to be His! Sure getting baptized and choosing was a great opportunity but I was placed with the other children who lost their lives young too. Jesus is freedom! Jesus is pure love. Jesus is nothing at all like the damning to hell if you screw up vision I had of Him because of false teaching/skewed views. He is full of strength and power to defeat evil in our lives but also loving and full of grace to to provide coverage for where we trip and fall. He knows our full story…and yet He still reaches His hand out to us. All we have to do is take His hand into our own! Jesus is safe. He will never ever hurt us. He is our protector. He is everything!
He is my king!